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Search Results 0 to 24 of about 25 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Sep 27, 2012 11:25am PDT
creeping sharia law! and you know who i blame? barack obama. (laughter) oh, i have been warning you for years about his kowtowing to islamic extremists. well, now the chicken shawarma has come home to roost-- in a catastro-pita. during the past arab spring obama let radical imams lead an uprising against our radical friends in the middle east. >> you go back to the beginning of the arab spring and this administration did everything in its power to dislodge two key u.s. allies-- hosni mubarak and moammar qaddafi. knowing the replacements would be muslim brotherhood and other islamists. >> well, it's a new-- if they knew that i am angrier than i am now. >> stephen: oh my-- oh, my god! sean hannity is capable of being angrier at any given moment than he actually is at that moment! (laughter) he has torn a rift in the space-anger continuum! (laughter) folks, obama's complete lack of loyalty to our murderous dictator allies doesn't just enrage me-- and the loud hole at the top of sean hannity's neck-- it also is raising a red flag for texas congressman and forehead american louie gohmert. ji
Comedy Central
Sep 28, 2012 1:10am PDT
. >> one republican i talked to put it very bluntly, a senior republican in ohio said that obama's advantage on the auto bailout is quote a kick in the captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome. what can i say, i, i would have any one of you guard my fountain. (laughter) if anyone did that, and i don't think anybody does that. kind of a stupid job. (laughter) nation, now nation, we got to do this. nation, i'm a humble man. and i will shout that from the mountaintop. (laughter) so i don't like talking about myself. but i've got no choice. we're in a national crisis here. we need to rebuild this country's greatness. well, ladies and gentlemen, i have the blueprints-- no, scratch that. i have the red, white and blueprints. (applause) because this tuesday, october 2nd, i will release my
Comedy Central
Sep 26, 2012 1:30am PDT
sure there's a good reason why president obama's not going to be face to face with world leaders in these difficult and historic times. >> the president obviously has a busy schedule. he has a busy schedule all time. >> jon: yeah, he's got a busy schedule! (laughter) he can't just be meeting every world leader willy-nilly! (laughter) just because he's not meeting them face to face doesn't mean he's not filled with high level strategic room defcon economic simulations. >> president obama will appear on "the view" this morning. (audience reacts) >> jon: moments like these in an election season that you would think would be crushing obama's reelection chances. and yet they are not. why, you ask? (laughter) it's the subject of tonight's news segment "barack obama's the luckiest dude on the planet." (laughter) in an ordinary election involving a stagnant economy, global unrest, and the typical incumbent president would be at an enormous disadvantage. unless-- >> does the government have a responsibility to provide health care to the 50 million americans who don't have it today? >> well,
Comedy Central
Sep 25, 2012 1:15am PDT
) then, my guest, jeffrey toobin is here to talk about obama's relationship with the supreme court. i hear it's under the robe; over the gavel. (laughter) wal-mart is turning 50 years old. it's finally old enough to be a greeter at itself. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) . >> stephen: whoo! whoo! whoo! come on! (audience chanting "stephen") folks-- (audience chanting "stephen"). (cheers and applause) folks, folks, i've got to tell you, no matter-- sometimes i think the world is a dark cave, but you are always my light at the end of the tunnel. (laughter) welcome to th to the "report," everybody. thank you for joining us. nation, i have always hated change. that's why i'm solidly against transformers, shrinky-dinks and air caterpillars. (laughter) and don't tell me you've always felt like a butterfly trapped in a lava's body, it's unnatural. (laughter) folks, i was truly upset when i heard my favorite newspaper, the "u.s.a. today" was getting a dramatic redesign. turns out i was worrying f
Comedy Central
Sep 28, 2012 11:25am PDT
read the caffeine free diet coke. but that's not looking good either because obama currently leads romney by 10 points in ohio, 9 points in florida and 12 points in pennsylvania which wouldn't be a problem if between now and november 6th we can just get 290 million people to move to arkansas. (laughter) arkansas, come for the mess, stay because you traded your car for meth. but-- (applause) but, folks there is no reason to panic over these pole numbers. just ask mitt. >> i'm curious to what you would say to your supporters, your donors that might be concerned that this could be slipping away way. >> i'm very pleased with some polls, not with other polls but at this early stage polls go up and down. >> exactly, it's still early, there are 40 days left until the election amount of lot can happen in 40 days. bama could make a gaffe. mitt could win the debates. god could send a flood to destroy all mankind. so there's hope. (laughter) in fact, the election is so far off, why are we even talking about it. mitt isn't talking about it. last week when a reporter asked him if he was going t
Comedy Central
Oct 2, 2012 7:00pm PDT
board tax cut. >> the obama camp says independent groups say if you cut those tax rates for everybody 20%, it costs $5 trillion over ten years, true? >> not in the least bit true. >> stephen: true, not true, who cares? (laughter) it's over ten years. romney and ryan will only be in office for eight of those. let president bachmann worry about it in 2020. that is what hindsight is for. but folks, just listen to this pit bull. >> how much would it cost. >> it's revenue neutral. >> i'm talking about the cut, we'll get to the deductions. >> the cut in tax rates is lower all american tax rate by 20%. >> how much does that cost. >> it's revenue neutral. >> stephen: okay, revenue neutral, chris. but for some reason wallace wouldn't take no answer for an answer. (laughter) jim? >> well, it's not revenue neutral unless you take away the deduction. >> let me just -- >> you haven't given me the math. >> well, i don't have-- it would take me too long to go through all of the math. >> stephen: great answer. (laughter) why-- (cheers and applause) great answer why is it a great answer? well, it woul
Comedy Central
Sep 25, 2012 11:15am PDT
is not a crisis for romney, this is a triumph! because mitt nailed it! obama supporters are nothing but lazy parasites! get a job! (laughter) folks, it's not just the welfare queens mitt's talking about. get this: the 47% who don't pay federal income tax are mostly elderly, children, and the working poor and u.s. military personnel deployed in war zones who are exempt from paying federal taxes on combat pay. see? romney mentioned the troops in a speech! (laughter) but-- but of course-- (applause). give it up for mitt romney! (applause) but the liberal hounds, of course, went after mitt like a poor person going after a basic need. (laughter) so-- (laughter). so romney threw together his second hasty press conference in one week. i believe these days he just wears a harness with a curtain and flag mounted to his back. (laughter) and, folks, i am proud to say mitt romney stood his ground! >> you're not stepping away from anything in this video? you're not backing away from anything? and do you worry you've offended this 47% who you mentiond? >> well, you know, it's not elegantly stated
Comedy Central
Sep 27, 2012 1:30am PDT
was certainly a hail mary. (laughter) then, obama's making us less safe. that terrorist from "homeland" won an emmy! (laughter) and my guest, author jim holt, has written a book on why the world exists. well, when two planets love each other very much they share a special hug. (laughter) the university of tennessee frat members were caught butt-chugging wine. (laughter) that sounds like some drunk ass (bleep). (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report." it's good to have you with us! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, thank you so much for joining us. good to have you with us. folks, it is almost midnight on i don't mean yom kippur, the jewish day of atonement, filled with somer reflection and profound regret-- that i had to give my writers the day off. (laughter) come back, fellas, god forgives you. (laughter) (whispering) but i never will. i'd a
Comedy Central
Sep 25, 2012 11:30pm PDT
that the latest "national journal" poll has obama leading romney by seven points! but folks there is no reason to panic. fox news will panic for you. (laughter) >> i think these polls in the battleground states understate romney's support. >> i don't believe that the polls really matter until the debates begin. >> i think one of the first times that we should look at the polls in real sincerity is after one or two of the debates. >> stephen: yeah! after one or two of the debates. mid-october. give it time. (laughter) the romney campaign is only on their third reboot since the convention! we've had businessman romney, foreign policy romney, latino romney. (laughter) but we still haven't seen aqua romney! (laughter and applause) he-- (cheers and applause) he uses his mental powers to tell fish that 47% of them are just lampreys. (laughter) so conservatives, just forget about the polls! it is way too soon to start mourning the death of the romney campaign. and i am not in denial here, because that would mean i was starting the five stages of grief. and i am not! oh, that makes me so ang
Comedy Central
Oct 2, 2012 11:30pm PDT
switching his vote from obama to romney this time. >> my heart and soul would really love someone like reagan. y captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, should churches endorse candidates? well, can you make an attack ad out of stained glass? (laughter) then, the candidates prepare for tomorrow night's debate. president obama has a whole new set of long pauses to memorize. (laughter) and my guest is univision news anchor jorge ramos. but it's my show so i'm going to call him george raymond. (laughter) the lead singer of creed says he won't endorse president obama! well, that settles it, obama will not win the 1998 presidential election. (laughter) this is "the colbert report" (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report" everybody, good to see you. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the "report." thank you for joining us.
Comedy Central
Oct 3, 2012 10:30am PDT
stained glass? (laughter) then, the candidates prepare for tomorrow night's debate. president obama has a whole new set of long pauses to memorize. (laughter) and my guest is univision news anchor jorge ramos. but it's my show so i'm going to call him george raymond. (laughter) the lead singer of creed says he won't endorse president obama! well, that settles it, obama will not win the 1998 presidential election. (laughter) this is "the colbert report" (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report" everybody, good to see you. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the "report." thank you for joining us. well, folks, that is the song that never ends. (laughter) folks, today is the biggest day in the history of publishing. since steve guttenberg invented the bible. (laughter) because today is the official publishing date of my new book "america again: rebecoming the greatness we never weren't." (cheers a
Comedy Central
Sep 24, 2012 7:10pm PDT
obama. you see, his buddies in the press are trying to make this crisis about mitt romney. who on the day of the a attacks courageously vowed not to campaign on 9/11. >> there is a time and place for that. but this day is not that. >> stephen: no. that day was not that. (laughter) turns out, that night was that. jim. >> governor mitt romney just releasing this statement. it's disgraceful that the obama administration's first response was not to condemn attacks on our diplomatic missions but to sympathize with those who waged attacks. >> stephen: how dare obama sympathize with the attackers. he should have stood up against them like mitt romney did by attacking our president. (laughter) now it turns out, folks, when romney attacked him, obama hadn't said anything yet. (laughter) mitt was talking about a brief statement condemning religious bigotry put out on the web site of the cairo embassy before the attacks ever happened. so of course there came a barrage of attacks from the liberal media cleverly disguised as conservative media. >> romney stuck his foot in his mouth. he should have
Search Results 0 to 24 of about 25 (some duplicates have been removed)